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Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
9:14 pm
aguntzerknocker my mom was gang-raped but carried me to term anyway for some psychotic
she couldn't really handle the sight of me, big surprise, so
i was raised by my grandma, which made it even worse, because
she was a bad mother to her own children, but
i wasn't even her daughter, so
it was easier not to love me, it was
easier to act like a martyr and
to never, ever let me forget for a moment
that i was a goddamn charity case.

in sixth grade once i wasn't hungry for breakfast
but i was always supposed to eat whatever she gave me
no matter WHAT the excuse
i put the bagel in the trash, tucked it
inside an empty cereal box

she found it
made me eat it in front of her
that afternoon.

she self-diagnosed with
colon cancer once, decided
she was dying and
didn't leave her bedroom
for months
i would come home from school
if you tried to talk to her
she wouldn't respond
her door was always shut

turned out she had a bad gall bladder
a simple operation turned THAT around
fucking drama queen

i tried to kill myself, once.
just short of 15.
yeah, i know, adolescent angst, but
it was a lot more existential than that,
a lot more nihilistic
i knew that once i was dead i
would never know i had even lived
there would be no "i" capable of "knowing" and

when i survived, she
screamed at me for
ruining her summer vacation
screamed at me, how DARE i
make her feel guilty as though
this were somehow her fault

she took the tshirt i had been wearing
soaked in blood because i had
not only cut up my arms but
stabbed myself in the chest
she hung it in her bedroom
at the foot of the bed
covering a portrait that was taken
of me as a young child

it may have been crazy to attempt suicide but
THAT, well, that was just a whole
fuck of a lot

i was literally grounded for six months
because she found a note my boyfriend had written
in seventh grade
included the word "PHAT"
lol right?
not funny.
six months.

any attempt at a joke
at some kind of friendly
was considered
talking back and

there are so many
anecdotes i could share but
what's the point, and
i know i've repressed
a lot of them
it's hard growing up
dealing with this erratic behavior that
constitutes your whole WORLD
especially when you're
barely allowed to leave the house

you are completely
control, and
she is always
over your

because i was told that
i was the one who was
a melodramatic
i used to think i was crazy
she always remembered
things differently that i did
i thought it was all my fault
for most of my life
i still deal with those
feelings to

when i was 17
senior year of high school
national honor society president
3.998 gradepoint average
got caught drinking
when they came home early from a trip
my male gay friend was
the only one with me and
they knew he was gay but
insisted i was probably fucking him

my grandma tried choking me to death
left bruises
on my neck.

because i got caught drinking.
that's all.

that's the last time i saw her, last time
that i talked to her, it's been
almost 4 years, they
kicked me out of their house

i got a full-tuition scholarship to college
i'm doing alright
i'm a little bit fucked up, but
aren't we all?

and my liberal friends, they like to
remind me of my
white privilege
how easy i have had it
all the latent advantages
fucking brats
they have no idea
they wouldn't even begin to comprehend...
their pot-smoking
it's a whole other world
they have no
what that kind of abuse
feels like, and
i can barely talk about it because
to this day
i feel
like i'm some kind of
simply for
the truth

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Friday, March 3rd, 2006
6:12 pm - My mother...
amarvincitomnia Well, I'm new to the list. And, since I saw atleast two other poepl do this, I figured I would too:

My mother...
...used to slap and hit me on a regular basis (before I got big enough to catch her hand)
...dated men who abused me physically and emotionally
...ignored the letter I gave her when I was in 3rd grade, in which I told her about my then-step brother molesting me
...has "forgotten" about me telling her about my step father locking me out of the house all day in elementary school
...calls me stupid, fat, and lazy
...took money out of my bank account without telling me, and then lied about ever doing it-until i found the bank slip in her purse.
...does drugs that make her unstable and/or abusive.
...threw the silverware drawer at me after a fight about what movie we were going to watch.
...drinks like a fish and then doesn't have money to buy food or pay bills.
...etc. etc. etc.

That's how things have gone for the past 17 years of my existance...


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Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
1:45 pm

I'm sitting here trying to write for my formal poetry class, and a memory comes dashing into my head.

I remember being about eight or nine, probably nine. I was in fourth grade, I think. My parents had taken my sister and myself to Payless or some like shoestore.

I didn't know how to tie my shoes. I don't know why, but nobody had ever taught me and I just couldn't figure it out when I was younger. Part of this was probably from the anxiety of just being around my parents all the time. Anyways, my shoes were untied going into the place, and my Dad told me to tie them, so my sister bent down to tie my shoes, which made my parents go ballistic. My mom started talking about how stupid I was that I was how old and didn't know how to tie my shoes yet, and then when we got into the shoe store she wouldn't buy me any tennis shoes, because I didn't know how to tie. She said I would have to get velcro shoes instead.

This probably sounds really dumb, but it was really horrible.

Though now I'm really wondering why the hell I was that old and didn't know how to tie my shoes. I remember wanting to know how and trying, but never being able to get it.

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Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
12:20 pm - my turn.

I don't think I'll ever forget or forgive my mom for telling me she was kinda glad I tried to kill myself because it gave her a reason to use her vacation days to prepare for her move across town.

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11:56 am

seriously, guys.

my mom is fucking nuts.
i almost got my ass kicked out of the house last night because I
said I didn't have time to teach her about email attachments.


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Saturday, July 30th, 2005
3:47 pm

Well, I think it's about damn time that this community had an update. And what better occasion than today, when I was woken up to my mother screaming and throwing my and my sister's belongings into the street.

I'm too exhausted to rehash the details.

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Sunday, December 5th, 2004
2:35 am - My mother...

- Told everyone she tried to kill herself because I was such a horrible daughter
- Burned me with Kool 100's when I was a child
- Made me throw all my belongings away when I was a child
- Told me she wishes I'd kill myself/she never had me/I'd die
- Told me I'm going to rot in hell
- Constantly says that I can't take care of myself
- Tells me I have no friends
- Constantly tells me how fat I am
- Used to keep me home from school just because
- (in conjuction with my father) used the fact that I moved oncampus at my college as reason to use my credit card and buy a dishwasher...because I "wouldn't be here to do the dishes"
- Has said on many occasions that she "hates me"
- Tells me that I smell
- Used to cut my nails off to the point where they would bleed because she doesn't have fingernails (she chews them compulsively)
- Left me various places (stores, work) and made me walk home
- Stolen my mail
- Accused me of sexing everyone, doing all kinds of drugs, and drinking when I never had done any
- Started fights with my father so that he would take it out on me
- Made me pay for a car before I even had a permit; when I finally got my license, told me I wasn't allowed to drive the car
- Told me to stop talking when I was telling her about a school fieldtrip because the sound of my voice made her want to vomit
- Used to keep my paychecks from the ages of 16 until I was legally allowed to have my own bank account, because she "needed the money"
- Hid her tax information and papers so that I could not fill out my FAFSA/ go to college

I know there's more but here's a start!

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1:50 am
paperdollgal boy, do i know about crazy moms.

(edit inspired by alaina)

my mom has:
-grounded me because I dropped a box of macaroni on the floor
-locked me out of my own room
-stolen my shoes for a week and then thrown them down the stairs at me
-mooned me
-made me cry on prom night
-took my money to pay for my school books (the only financial burden she bears for me) and then called me selfish for calling her on it.
-told me (when I was 16) that if I didn't start drinking, nobody would ever like me
-rubbed it in my face for 3 days that she was having my dog put to sleep

and other things that I'm sure I'm forgetting.
she's fucked up, man.

current mood: anxious

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12:46 am - i have a crazy mom

testing, testing. text text text

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